Monday, March 28, 2011

Campaign of Doom, or, "Gawd I Really Hate Those Stupid Pokey Bushes Out Front"

Ever since buying the house last summer, I've had one complaint and one complaint only: the front walkway is a line of mean, pokey barberry bushes that alternate in color from lime to red to lime to red to lime to red and from lime to red again and repeat one final time.

10 barberrys all in a row, poking and pricking people since 1997.

And, unfriendly!
And, ugly!

Should my own darling child lose an eye to one of this prickly human-haters, I would never forgive myself.

And, did I mention they're UGLY?

I know there's an easy solution to this but... well, there's opposition to my plans. The Mr. of the house actually LIKES them. He likes them! BWA! He wants to keep them because "they are mature, grown in, have some nice color and are easy to care for. All I have to do is trim them three times a year and they look great." I admit, it IS hard to argue with that.


He knows I hate them and want to get rid of them, but I wonder if he knows just how much. I've had conversations about it with coworkers, all agreeing that while they were oh-so-cool in the late 90s (coincindentally, that's when our house was built) they are very much not cool now. One person I talked with even worked out a plan to take care of the problem on the sly so he would think they suddenly started dying off. And then, I enlisted the help of Aunt Becky and her Merry Pranskers and all (read the comments) told me ways to secretly kill them off.

It was reading these that I realized just how present my conscience is and that I could never do it like this. It seems so ... unfair.

So, instead, I want my loyal followers (hi you two!) to write letters. Sort of like writing letters to your State Senator when you really care about an issue, I want you to write letters to Fred letting him know you support his opposition (read: ME) and that you, too, want the bushes GONE. You can write these letters in the comments - but be nice because Freddie Bill does have feelings and we're not trying to hurt those. We're just trying to break his very strong "I love those shrubs" stance.

Now, I can hear you saying But Anna, you HATE yard work! and while that is certainly true, I plan to be a gardener this year* and have every intention of replacing those shrubs with something nicer. Maybe something that flowers! Still having a nice look in front and still lining the entry way - just not with the shrubs of death.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - -
*I try this every year. It has yet to stick because I hate being hot, sweaty or dirty and I hate bugs flying on me or slinking around in the dirt and will scream every time one touches me. I do, though, love the IDEA of it.


n8rlvr said...

Dear Fred,
Anna loves you so much that she isn't going to sneakily kill the stupid, pokey bushes. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is.

So let it go, show her how much you love her & pull up the evil bushes that poke the living sh*t out of anyone who comes near.

Maybe you could compromise and get non-pokey bushes? And if you fight about it, you guys should totally have make-up sex. Cuz that is just plain fun.

Anonymous said...

I too am a "pokey bush hater" - I have been know to kill them off and take them out!

I can see a lovely iris bed right in front of the porch!

Auntie D

Yo-yo Mama said...

Dear Fred,

I know you love your wife. It sounds as if you love the barberries. Both sometimes can be prickly, but which one do you love more?

Also, please have enough faith and trust in your S.O. to make this minor decision in the appearance of the facade of your home. You DO trust her, don't you? I mean, it's just a few bushes after all. It's not like she's putting a pool in the front yard or a circus tent.

Your Nebraska Neighbor to the North Who Has Been Entrusted by Her Spouse to be Entirely Responsible for the Landscaping of Their 10 Acres so Eight Bushes is Nothing to Argue About

virg_nelson said...

Dear Fred,

You may not know me but once upon a time I was walking. Yes, innocently walking, when a bear started chasing me. I could feel his hot breath on my throat and the grease off his musky dark fur as we raced across the jungle of suburbia. Then, darting over a fence, I landed on a bush similar to the ones that line the front of your lovely home. Tangled and in pain from the briary mess, I was unable to escape the bear. As it's saliva dripped onto my sweaty and pained brow, my only thought was that if these homeowners had been forward thinking enough to remove those prickly and dangerous bushes, I might have escaped. A forsythia could have saved me from the ravages wrought by an angry bear while bringing color and vivacity to their yard. Do you want to be responsible for a rabid bear capturing some innocent walking through your neighborhood... ?
Nay. Don't be that person.

{B} said...

Dear Fred...

Joe says to ask you to repeat after him.....

Happy Wife...Happy Life!

Aunt B will translate that for you....dig out the bushes and replace them with river rock and some hardy non stickery bushes....or just pour a cement slab and fill it up with concrete animals that you don't have to feed and water! You'd probably become the neighborhood trend setters!

Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Dear Freddie,
Okay, so maybe it was me that suggested the RoundUp in gradual doses for a mysterious "kill off" effect...and then again, maybe it wasn't. Come to think of it, Anna has a co-worker whose husband is a landscape designer at Earl May so it might well have been her. Yeah, that's it, it was Brenda!!

Now that we have that figured out, can I just add my two cents? The red/green polka dot effect of the barberrys has to go, really Fred, it has to. No guy who makes super cool hand-crafted beer should be caught dead owning a home with super UN-cool, stickery, polka dot bushes. It just isn't done.

I'll help Anna pick out the new bushes. After all, you trust me, don't you? (or at least you used to before reading this post!)


Ashley said...

Cousin Fred,
While I understand your affection for the mature landscaping in your front yard, I have to agree with Anna. It's not so much the type of bush that is detestable, it is the fact that they are planted in an alternating color pattern! Seriously, do you go out to Waubonsie park and see repetitive patterned bushes and plantlife?? No, you don't.
Much love,
Your cousin Ashley :)