Question: What happens when cats learn to read?
No, this isn't a trick question.
Answer: They will maul anyone defaming their character. And they will maul them while they're minding their own business, trying to go to sleep. Not moving, not teasing or taunting - just laying still. In their own bed. In the dark.
The Sneak Attack Method (or, The SAM) works best - wait until the victim is almost asleep then bound up FROM THE FLOOR and bite into their skull. Then, just as quickly, bound back down and wait for your next attempt. After they're done cussing they'll assume you were done like a sucker. Perfect time to initiate The SAM for a second time.
Don't believe me?
Come check out the hole in the side of my head.