Friday, January 28, 2011

Calling Me "Picky" Doesn't Come Close

Just last night I was begging Elliot to try his pesto pasta before wrinkling up his nose and declaring it gross. I tried to negotiate. I pleaded. I threatened. He resisted.

Fred politely glanced at me and said, “You know we shouldn’t be surprised to have a picky eater. Maybe we should shove vegetables down your throat and see if you like them.”

Damn it. I hate when he's right.

You see, I have this strange disorder called Ihateveggiosis. It's been a life long battle and one that I will continue to fight until the day I'm nailed up in my coffin (or Fred pushes me over the side of a cruise ship)(or Elliot shoots me while pretending to be an army guy)(just sayin'). The symptoms are gagging, eye rolling and tongue sticking outtage at the mere hint of the word vegetable. Symptoms will increase when vegetables are in sight. Hospitalization may be required if one is ingested.

It is a strange and uncommon disorder - so much so that googling it will not give you any information. Believe me, I have tried. I've googled every form of it I can think of: I hate veggies, Veggies are gross, veggies taste bitter, why do I hate veggies, Why do I hate some of the prettiest looking foods on the planet? etc.

As long as I can remember I've never liked them. I'll eat corn, potatoes and beans (but only in the form of baked beans). The rest - gross. Bitter, gaggish and disgusting.

I wish I liked them. They're so bright and so fresh-looking and nothing but healthy for you. And cobb salads look amazing. But. I have tried them so many times in so many ways and nothing works. I literally cannot swallow them before they are gagged on and spit out.

I am a 32 year & 10 month old baby all rolled into one.

Oh, also?

I hate any meat that cannot serve as a form of livestock on Uncle Bill's farm. Deer is not livestock. Any kind of game is just that - gamey. And dips - yech. Sour cream, creme cheese (yes, includes cheesecake), ricotta cheese - all gross. Mayo is nasty. Anything with the word 'salad' is likely not going in my cakehole either. I don't eat fish and don't drink beer. I don't like Mexican or most Chinese foods either. Kiwi fruit is out as are tiny berries - raspberries, blueberries, blackberries. Rice Krispie bars, yogurt, cotton candy and circus peanuts too.

Everything else? I'll eat. Well, maybe.


Kaitlyn said...

Wow, you are worse than Henry. What do you survive on?

Yo-yo Mama said...

I just have to know since you pretty much ruled out everything (except pesto pasta), what DOES make it past your cakehole??

Mary said...

How in the hell are we ever going to be able to go to lunch? How about popcorn balls? Or maybe just circus food in general?

Ryan W said...

Anna, I'm so glad you clickety clacked that post, because I'm afflicted by nearly the exact same ailment. Basically the only veggie I'll eat (if forced) is corn, and only if it's covered in butter and nothing else. Many people scoff and make fun, but I don't see how them eating salad makes them think they're better than me...

Anna said...

Um, carbs. Lots and lots of carbs. And cow and chicken.

Anonymous said...

You don't know what you're missing. But I must admit you're very polite about your dislikes. Most of the time anyway:-)

Brenda said...

But you will eat the most disgusting food of all - bananas. GROSS. Makes no sense to me.