Thursday, January 13, 2011

An Explanation of Absence

I was getting my ankle examined after a nasty fall in the spring of 2000 when the doctor looked at my friend and asked her a variety of questions. Questions that I was stunned to learn the answers to: is she irritable? is she negative? does she have low energy?

All of which she nodded yes to him about – and then vehemently (and lovingly) shook her head to me with a look saying “I’m telling him the truth, Anna, whether you like it or not.”

Bewildered, I listened as he expressed his concern that I was depressed. He told me what I was likely feeling and as soon as he started talking it all became so clear: ohmigawd what I feel is different and has a name and isn’t normal and is really, really, REAL.

I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t feel that way: muddled thoughts, low self-esteem if any at all and a general gray overcast on everything in my life.

It’s come and gone since then at various times but has been back with a vengeance for a while now. Looking back on my posts, I can see it plain as day that something was changing in me again – something sort of out of my control yet so very controlling. Something making me lose hope in the world and myself, making the simple act of getting out of bed a true chore. It makes me intolerant, snippy and cold. It makes me hate myself with a vengeance I can’t even explain – I do not deserve to be happy, I do not deserve to look or feel good about myself and I certainly don’t deserve the unconditional love that Fred and Elliot give me every day.

I am unhappy. I am frustrated. I am ... well, me.


Anonymous said...

my friend Beth goes through the same thing....she takes her meds and copes much better...hang in there - auntie D

Christy said...

Sounds like we'd make quite the team these days. I'm right there with ya. Hope you're feeling better soon!

I just got some new meds today so I'm hopeful!

Mary said...

You are so not alone, even though you probably feel a million miles from everyone. I've been there, I'm right there now. Be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to get some meds.

Kaitlyn said...

Get the drugs! Get the drugs! I went through crap after Julia and it helped so much. If it is any help, I think you are a cool motha-bleeep, there are things you do that I could only hope of achieving. Hang in there girl. Sunny days are ahead!!!!!!!!!

Jen Craun said...

And certainly THE BEST ANNA LINE:
"something sort of out of my control yet so very controlling..."

Anonymous said...

this is what got me through the worst days, something my loving husband said to me when I was in that black place not knowing how to get out. " Every morning is a new bud in your tree of life." There will be yet another morning and a chance for a new start.