Friday, January 14, 2011

So What Now? I'll Tell You.

Once I get into this place – this dark, shadowy hole – it’s easy to burrow deeper but hard to dig out. A whisper, a sideways glance and even a simple shutting door can turn into self-determined personal attacks. At its worst, a pile of money could be within my grasp... and I just. don't. care.

Surprisingly easy to get in to but difficult to get out.

Somewhere inside me, no matter how deep it’s currently buried, I know there is peace, love, acceptance, happiness and any other hippy-dippy term you can think of. It’s what drives me to dig in, claw my way out of this hole and reclaim myself for myself.

And, believe me, I don’t do it alone. I don’t know that I could.

I have a fabulous therapist, an arsenal of meds and a strong base of family and friends that are close, completely aware and ready with open arms whenever I need them.

Recently, I hit the turning point. I know this because I wouldn't have been able to write yesterday's post on the downward spiral for the simple fact that there is no end in sight. So being able to look back and figure out where I'm at in all of this can only mean that I'm on my way back up.

I am digging and the outpouring of support from yesterday’s post will do nothing but help me along. I will get there. Only this time, when I get out, I will get to work. I want to get the old Anna back, dust her off and spruce her up.

2011: The Year of Re-Constructing Anna

I want to find that person that only stopped laughing when she couldn’t breathe and could always find the silver lining. I want that patient and understanding good friend back that listened until you were done talking. I want the stick in the mud to get unstuck and un-muddied and then I want to paint her a glossy red and turn her into the mom that Elliot deserves, the wife that Fred wants and needs and – most of all – the person she deserves to be.

I’m getting me back, yo, and she’s going to be awesome.

7 comments:

mary said...

dun.Dun.DUNNN!!!!! (drama music)
Go Anna!

Tina said...

Good for you!

Ashley said...

I love this post! :) I wish you all the luck in the world on your 2011 Mission!!

J said...

I'm rooting for you Anna (that's backwards for Anna). ;-)

Anonymous said...

Outstanding news. This year just keeps getting better than last year. I wish you speedy reconstruction and offer any help I can give. I'm quite confident my dad will do what he can from the other side. YOU GO GIRL!!
Steve
p.s. Funny thing about that unconditional love you feel you don't deserve, you are not required to "deserve" unconditional love. Ain't that cool.

Jen Craun said...

YEAH!!
I’m getting me back, yo, and she’s going to be awesome.

Anonymous said...

wow Anna...you just put into words what so many of us feel but don't know how to say. I totally understand not recognizing until you are in the hole and not knowing how to get out and don't understand when you're out, why you have to go back in!