Wednesday, July 28, 2010


When I was in 1/2-day Kindergarten I have distinct memories of strapping on an old pair of metal roller skates and trudging up and down the sidewalk in front of our house. A few little guides where my shoe would go and a strap around the ankle to keep them on. Back and forth, up and down the cracked and uneven sidewalk.

Eventually, I got a newer pair - white lace ups - and taught myself to skate backwards and in circles. Even later, I got a pair of in line skates... all the rage in Northeast Ohio in the mid 90's.

To this day I love skating. I dream of the day I can throw some kind of party at a skating rink.

Which is why I question why I get so crazy when the skaters are in town. They come every July for some kind of national championship, all shapes, sizes and genders, wearing sequins and spandex and slicked back hair with glitter. They take up the parking. They smell like hairspray. And they giggle and gaggle as they clog up the crosswalks with their strict adherence to the lights (seriously, read that old post).

But. If I love skating, why do I loathe the skaters?
I had a conversation with myself about it.

Do you like skating?
Yes, always have.
Do you have a general dislike of skaters?
Not the individual, I don't think.
What did you do growing up?
Nothing, we didn't have money.
What did you want to do?
Anything. Gymnastics, piano lessons. We even HAD a piano. And my mom always told me 'maybe next year' but next year never came and when we moved, the piano didn't.
Bitter much?
Yeah, well, remember my little brother that always ruins my birthdays? Well, HE got to play soccer. Like on a league and everything. I had to go to his games and watch.
I'm sorry, your little brother ruins your birthdays?
Yeah, totally. His is the next day and he always got his presents on my birthday and we had to share a party.
And a cake?
No, that would've been pushing it too far.
Aren't we straying off topic?
(Ah-hem) Yes. So. If someone gave you an article of clothing with sequins, would you wear it?
Uh, yeah! I'd rock it!
And do you wear anything with spandex?
I don't think you can buy jeans without it any more.
Thank God for that.
Huh, yeah.
So. You hate the skaters?
Yeah. They're annoying and their costumes blind me. And they dress up their little kids in these ridiculous fake-tuxedo outfits - also bejeweled. Why Nebraska? In freaking hot-and-sweaty-as-butt July?
Don't you suppose its because the National Museum of Roller Skating is located in Lincoln, Nebraska?
WHAT?! HAA! Haa haa haa and HA. Funny.
What, really? (Clacking on computer.)
Huh. I'll be damned. Still. They suck.
Do they really suck?
Are their outfits really that bad?
Aren't they generally nice people?
So then what's your problem?
I want to be one! I'm jealous! There! ARE YOU HAPPY? I want to skate all day and twirl and hop and have long hair. I want a velvet and sequin outfit that kind of makes me look like I'm naked! I want to wear nylons that pull down over my pristine white skates! I want it all, baby!
Shut up.


Anonymous said...

Do you remember the key that was always tied around your neck (often with an old shoe lace) that could adjust your skates wider,narrower and longer???

Anna said...

I don't remember having a key - I had a butterfly bolt thing on the bottom so I could make them longer and shorter. I think.

Mike said...

It always made me uncomfortable when I'd find myself walking to my job at a children and families-oriented organization in the company of a group of little girls who didn't look like they were wearing anything at all but sequins - as you pointed out. There's something just wrong with that.