Bless Me, Steve Jobs, For I Have Sinned

I do not have iLove. My heart does not pound for iPads, iPods, iPhones or any iApps or iGames.*

I also do not have Catholic Love. In fact, I never tire of giggling over the ridiculousness that was Catholic schools – the prayer memorization, saint trading cards, nuns in squeaky gray shoes and the belief on their part that young children actually understood what they were doing.

So when you add the two together and come up with a Confession App, all I can do is sit back and laugh. For a measly buck-ninety-nine you can now equip your device with the ability to confess outside that tiny, creepy, smelly box and inside your own living room.

Or a department store. Dear Jesus, I just bought a Prada bag with money meant to feed the mouths of babes. SHA-Zamm, confession over.

But wait – my years as a Catholic taught me that without absolution FROM THE PRIEST you are not actually absolved from your sins. And, the good old boys club (read: the Vatican) have been quick to remind all Catholics of this as well. While they do approve of it, they like to think of this app as more of a list-maker. You log in your sins then go sync it with the Priest.

Back to the box you go.

Then once you get there, you can correctly identify all of your sins: how you said his name in vain 23 times and not just the 15 you usually estimate, how you didn’t keep it holy last Sunday when you were yelling obscenities at the refs during the Super Bowl and how you nabbed your co-workers lunch from the office fridge.

I guess this way, they get to shame you twice.
Score One for the Catholic Church.

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*In related news, I may be getting something Android-based soon, so I fully expect to become Droid-obsessed and expect you to not tell me how similar all of the apps are. Thankyouverymuch.